We're all stories in the end.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

3 notes

Oh dear.

I was on such a roll, it was all going so swimmingly but life says “No, to the young man who is now earning his way, doesn’t drink, smoke, do drugs, helps, is too kind for his own good, doesn’t fuck girls around, be nasty nor envious. You must be punished for being yourself”. I just don’t get it. I try, and try and try and nothing works out the way its supposed to.

Sure, I’m greatful for attaining a place at university but it’s not the one I wanted and the actual amount of work I put into gaining a place at one of the top universities in the country was substantial. I type to you at 02:00 AM and I am sad, cold and alone. The same state I was in january where these entries would occur often to suture my emotional wounds.

It seems to me that I am too kind for my own good, I let people push me around as my sole desire in life is to make people happy. The recent passing of Robin Williams is an example of man, whom on the surface was happy and content and it just shows how much we want to make people feel what we haven’t felt in a long time. He was a depressed entertainer, a tragic oxymoron and a great loss to the entertainment industry and to millions across the globe. He shall be missed dearly.

I’m not one of those idiots whom self-diagnose themselves with depression and I have my good days and I have my bads days, we all do, I understand that. The only person I can blame is myself for shutting myself away from everyone and that comes from the fact that I like being against the tide, but what if the tide gets too strong?

My mum has been ordering me to conform and socialise and I don’t want to, I just want to get on with it. Maybe a girlfriend but after tonight…*sigh*…anyway, I’m not that socially apt. Long time followers may be aware that I never go out and work doesn’t even help with social interaction. I often daydream in the bath of speaking to a psychologist, releasing my problems into the bathroom air.

I’m just not that good really. I’ll get in, get my work done for 3 years and then go work in a lighthouse or some shit like that. The likelihood of female companionship is nil, no one understands me and I hate the face that I’ve come back to square one, I feel hollow, grey, tired and alone. I’ve genuiely have had more imaginary friends than real-life conunterparts.

I’m going to start writing songs again tomorrow. Artistic expression is my therapy and I’m rather fond of it — I put so much in and get less than half out! I know life isn’t fair but for fucks sake! Cut me some slack. I desire a relationship more than ever before. At the start it was to keep-up with everyone else and its evolved into a real personal desire to hold hands with someone I can love, care, share and create with.

It’s not going to happen anytime soon though. I’m 19 in 5 weeks and there is a 100% chance I shall be alone and a virgin.

Filed under personal me thoughts sad alone love relationship life help me

0 notes

Oh great, now I feel more awful and alone. I’m so sick if it. I’ll never find anyone.